Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
No. YOU-buprofen.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?