Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
okay run it by me one more time
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Duolingo getting serious.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers