Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
What personal space?
My dog
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
This line from Airplane.