me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
You Might Also Like
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Good morning, Twitter x
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Ah..makes sense now
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.