I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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This is always good for a laugh.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I enjoy a good short stor
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.