me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
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People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?