WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.