The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock