*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag