Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me trying to look natural in photos
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that