Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
ACED my prostate exam!
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.