We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
You Might Also Like
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them