Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I would like even faster food.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*