My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
relationship goals
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Don’t forget to tip your server
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.