Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
broke down and did it
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter