Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
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“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
classic mixup
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂