Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
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I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back