“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
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me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.