*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
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How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
How to properly lift a body
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.