The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
You Might Also Like
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
This fish is cracking me up
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
early stone age tool
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.