One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*