I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
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Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas