Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Siri, fight Alexa.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse