[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
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In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Tremendous stuff
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.