No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
#Caturday
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.