Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
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[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.