just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
This made me smile…
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.