I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.