I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Pot warmers of the day.
live long and prosper!
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.