My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
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You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
You know…for fall…
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay