Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
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I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Every house has this drawer
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.