Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
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“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Oh we’ve met.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Siri, fight Alexa.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare