If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.