He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Merica.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Breaking news:
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it