You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
next level snooze
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
those birds must be on payroll
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.