[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
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Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.