WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.