peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.