Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Proctology is located in A55
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.