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We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
the clam before the storm
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.