Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do