Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
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“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
We decided to have money instead of children.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.