A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
You Might Also Like
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet