The glory of fall.
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wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes