[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Look at this
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.