There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
You Might Also Like
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples