I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.