Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
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[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
NASA has no chill
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?