My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
.. do you even science?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
uh oh
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?