I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
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Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Growing up was a huge mistake
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.